Beautiful Things

My life has been full of many changes. We've sold, moved in a rental and then purchased another house all within a few months of each other. We are in new waters. We are navigating through the unknown. I'd like to say I've been fearless but that's hardly been the case.

All of these changes ignited a fear in me I didn't know could exist. I was convinced it wasn't anxiety. It wasn't doubt. It wasn't my body reacting to change. I was convinced I had something physically wrong with me. How can I be so tired? How can I feel so nervous? So anxious? So dizzy? ...and  still be told I'm so healthy? 

The said changes were the last piece of the puzzle that my body needed to break down. My body began to rid itself of me and become new, a new me. 

Long before our move, after I delivered Christian, I began to have little episodes of fear. I would start sweating, breathing heavy... but had no idea why? After several months of little episodes in combination with our move across state, big episodes began to emerge. I mean, big. I didn't know what was happening or how I was ever going to live to see the end of it. I began to weep, to pray, to cling to anything I knew to be stable. The stability was evident: my faith.

Isn't it crazy how God will take all of you and mold you into something new? I was (am) broken. My faith began to weaken. I couldn't figure out how my God could allow me to go through something so terrifying. What did I do to deserve this? 

Isn't that what we always do? We try to find the source of our pain, the reason for our doubts, sickness and troubles? Maybe, just maybe, we aren't supposed to know why something happens. Instead, maybe we just let it happen and see where it takes us. 

After several months of fighting the "what ifs", with the direction of my family and counselor I followed this route. I'm on the path of a new me. 

I'm back in toddler stage. I'm clingy to Jesus. I rarely make a move without his direction first. This took a lot of pruning. I've rid myself of myself. I've grown in my new skin. While I still have a long way to go, I now understand that my pain was/is a huge gain. 

Friends, today I encourage you. Don't lose faith. If you are struggling with anything... weight gain, anxiety, sickness, loss (you fill in the blank), try to embrace it. As my counselor would say, "ride the wave." Life is full of uncertainty, what is certain is that we only have now. Be the best you, even if that means you have to learn to breathe through the pain. 

This song has helped me through dark times. Listen :)  Beautiful Things - Gungor


Love. 

Happy Birthday, Nora!

Today, Nora turns 1! It's been such a fun year for our family to have a little girl added to clan. Emily has become the most beautiful and caring mother, ever. Nora is so lucky to have her! 

Enjoy your day, Nora! We will celebrate this weekend on the beach. Love you sissy! 

Aunt Abby's first time babysitting sweet girl!

First photo with my new niece, Nora Elizabeth!

Momma's girl, that's for sure! Just the sweetest! 

Here to Stay.

I've decided to come back to my writing home. It's been a long time coming. A couple years worth of changes, spiritually, professionally and personally. 

Everyday, I'm itching to express my opinions, feelings, excitements, concerns and joys but find that social media is becoming too much of a circus to do so. 

So, here I am. This is a safe zone. I plan to write on a plethora of topics. Mainly, in the moment, raw posts.

My heart has never felt closer to Jesus. I pray through my words you find love, Anchored Love, in Him. My words are never aimed to hurt but only to shed my truths. 

Will post again, soon. Happy Independence Day, weekend. May we always have this freedom. 

Abby

Life.

As a fresh mommy of two, I'm worn out, exhausted, spit-up on and rarely get a shower before dark but what a fabulous job I have! Hard to believe Christian will be 4 months old on Thursday and Braylon will be 4 years old in April.

Our lives are in the midst of transition again (when aren't they), and I'm feeling a plethora of emotions. I love being home with the boys during the day and all the sweet sweet memories I'm making with them. On the other hand, I have a yearning to work again, to bury myself in paperwork and get lost in conversation with adults. When the boys and I wake in the morning, I lay there (tears usually) and thank Jesus for every single minute he allows me to have with them. I know eventually, most likely sooner than later, my unlimited time with them will end and my life will shift to evening meetings and research.

Please pray for me and our family as we continue to make the transition to full-time working mommy. Specifically that I have patience, sleep, a lot of love and extra time with my boys!

Love to you all,

Jefferson Junction

I'm Back

I haven't wrote in months and for a reason. I love to write, I used to write because I needed to -- mentally. I realized that instead of writing about my feelings I needed to really approach them on a different level.

So... Winter became a time of growth for me. I just didn't feel that writing would help me grow during a time of deep confusion. I did a lot of soul searching, dug deeper than I ever have with my faith and tested my relationship with Dajuan. I fully commited to a church and have found so much reward from attending every week... I can hardly wait to get my next spoonful the next Sunday. My baby turned 2 in April and I've come to realize he is no longer a 'baby'. Dajuan and I are stronger than ever, I love him more every single day.

My life is nowhere near perfect, it never will be. I will say I've grown into my skin and role as a mother and wife.

I just wanted to check-in quick and welcome myself back to the writing game. The weather has finally broke and I feel like I can come out of this cacoon I've placed myself in and fly. I have a lot in store this summer and can't wait to keep you all updated.


xO,

Abby

Power of Prayer

Have you ever just felt anxious? My sister has battled with anxiety her entire life; me on the other hand, I could never relate... until recently. As I've gotten older and seen the world for what it really is I've felt my heart race and chest tighten on several occasions. Mostly, I can control my anxious thoughts and relax after a few deep breaths but recently, my control over anxiety has slipped away. I've found myself gasping for air through the work day, at home, while typing, showering, praying, rocking and sometimes I even wake up and have to calm myself down. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our everyday lives and problems that we can truly engulf ourselves in them. I know I've wrote about stuggling with my faith before but I just can't get it figured out. I am so blessed. I know that I'm blessed but why can't I feel like it?

I've just been in another world. I feel like I could be triggered at any given moment. There are so many factors that are playing on my emotions and moods. Braylon being sick has worn me down beyond belief. The thought of the doctor's office makes me scowl. I've become distant with Dajuan, more than usual. At work I have a hard time smiling because I feel overwhelmed and defeated. When these three combine it's a recipe for disaster.

As much as I've been digging to find peace and happiness and my purpose I feel my wheels just spinning. I just don't feel happy. What a terrible feeling. It's hard to even admit. Too often we get caught up in our lives, our problems, our kids, our relationships that we miss the 'big' picture. I know that I am. I am well aware there is a problem, I wish I could say I've figured it out... but I just haven't. It's devastating.

I've come to the conclusion the frustrating part is the unknown. The mystery of faith is a real, well, mystery. I am the type of person that wants facts; I need reassurance. While on Twitter today I came across a tweet from my sister talking about the power of prayer. I immediately felt sick and anxious. Why though? Emily, has been following a blog from a couple in AZ whose daughter has brain cancer. This couple has chosen to walk out their journey with their daughter's illness in the public... naturally, I began to read the blog, and there I sat eyes soaking wet, weeping for these strangers. Their blog is unbelievable, it's bone-chilling. Their absolutely gorgeous five-year-old, Kate, is in the fight of her life and with the power of prayer this family is trusting that God can heal Kate. The news continues to grow weary for this beautiful, God loving family yet they cling tight to their faith and their Maker. Kate's mom, Holly noted that their humanness is aching to depths they never knew it could reach but their faith is untouched.

What a powerful statement and what a powerful message. I am blessed. My everyday struggles are just that, everyday struggles. There are people like Kate, who are spreading God's word amidst illness, fear and the unknown. I'm so thankful I came across that tweet. I felt God for the first time today in a very long time. My heart is so heavy that I can feel it pounding in my stomach. I cannot stop praying for this little girl; actually I just can't stop praying in general. My sister is right, the power of prayer is larger than any tumor, any bad day, and any anxious thought.

I am so thankful for days like today when I can feel God and slowly reel myself back to him. I wish I had all the answers and knew how to handle my day to day obstacles but that's the beauty of my journey. Please keep Kate in your prayers-- there are SO many out there who are struggling with pressing issues that are far worse than ours.

Here's to a good nights sleep and a better tomorrow.

xO. Abby

MOMMA

Today's been an odd one. Dajuan nor I made it into work, Mother Nature had other plans. I was sure it was going to be a full day of relaxation. Pajamas, hot chocolate and working remotely on my laptop... none of which really happened. Braylon was wired. Everything is either MOMMA or NO these days! The first 20 times it's cute after several hours and him not letting up my nerves began to thin.

I've always struggled with the guilt of not being a stay at home mom-- or even a work from home mom. Today cemented the fact that working from home with a toddler is an impossible feat. Luckily, the calls I made today found his "MOMMA" repetition quite cute.

So, here I sit, 9 pm finishing up what I was hoping to complete early afternoon. In all honesty, a day with Braylon trumps work anyways. When I look at him I see so much life and innocence. He has no idea how big and cruel this world is; truth be told, I never want him too. Life is full of disappointments and struggles, bullies and trials; as a mother I cringe when I think that one day he will face each and every one of those. Soon he'll be two and the days of him loving on me in public will fade but right now, today, in this moment, I am fully aware of how blessed I am. I love looking at Braylon's little smile and reminding myself no matter how upset or discouraged I feel, I have a healthy little boy living in a perfect little world depending on ME to keep his world that way. After all, I'm MOMMA ya know.

These past few days I've got lost in the fact that it's the simple things in life, like Braylon that fulfill me... not a stupid position at work, money, taking a trip or a new outfit. So many times during the week I find myself saying this is God's plan not mine; yet, I time and time again attempt at making it mine. I'm well aware of my capabilities, my goals and most importantly my Creator. I'm so thankful for Him giving me Braylon who will always be my reminder that God's time isn't mine. So yes, today was odd but in a good way. I needed today. I needed a day to bring me back to the things that make life simple and fun.


Happy Snowday, xO.

Abby