Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm Back

I haven't wrote in months and for a reason. I love to write, I used to write because I needed to -- mentally. I realized that instead of writing about my feelings I needed to really approach them on a different level.

So... Winter became a time of growth for me. I just didn't feel that writing would help me grow during a time of deep confusion. I did a lot of soul searching, dug deeper than I ever have with my faith and tested my relationship with Dajuan. I fully commited to a church and have found so much reward from attending every week... I can hardly wait to get my next spoonful the next Sunday. My baby turned 2 in April and I've come to realize he is no longer a 'baby'. Dajuan and I are stronger than ever, I love him more every single day.

My life is nowhere near perfect, it never will be. I will say I've grown into my skin and role as a mother and wife.

I just wanted to check-in quick and welcome myself back to the writing game. The weather has finally broke and I feel like I can come out of this cacoon I've placed myself in and fly. I have a lot in store this summer and can't wait to keep you all updated.



Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Power of Prayer

Have you ever just felt anxious? My sister has battled with anxiety her entire life; me on the other hand, I could never relate... until recently. As I've gotten older and seen the world for what it really is I've felt my heart race and chest tighten on several occasions. Mostly, I can control my anxious thoughts and relax after a few deep breaths but recently, my control over anxiety has slipped away. I've found myself gasping for air through the work day, at home, while typing, showering, praying, rocking and sometimes I even wake up and have to calm myself down. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our everyday lives and problems that we can truly engulf ourselves in them. I know I've wrote about stuggling with my faith before but I just can't get it figured out. I am so blessed. I know that I'm blessed but why can't I feel like it?

I've just been in another world. I feel like I could be triggered at any given moment. There are so many factors that are playing on my emotions and moods. Braylon being sick has worn me down beyond belief. The thought of the doctor's office makes me scowl. I've become distant with Dajuan, more than usual. At work I have a hard time smiling because I feel overwhelmed and defeated. When these three combine it's a recipe for disaster.

As much as I've been digging to find peace and happiness and my purpose I feel my wheels just spinning. I just don't feel happy. What a terrible feeling. It's hard to even admit. Too often we get caught up in our lives, our problems, our kids, our relationships that we miss the 'big' picture. I know that I am. I am well aware there is a problem, I wish I could say I've figured it out... but I just haven't. It's devastating.

I've come to the conclusion the frustrating part is the unknown. The mystery of faith is a real, well, mystery. I am the type of person that wants facts; I need reassurance. While on Twitter today I came across a tweet from my sister talking about the power of prayer. I immediately felt sick and anxious. Why though? Emily, has been following a blog from a couple in AZ whose daughter has brain cancer. This couple has chosen to walk out their journey with their daughter's illness in the public... naturally, I began to read the blog, and there I sat eyes soaking wet, weeping for these strangers. Their blog is unbelievable, it's bone-chilling. Their absolutely gorgeous five-year-old, Kate, is in the fight of her life and with the power of prayer this family is trusting that God can heal Kate. The news continues to grow weary for this beautiful, God loving family yet they cling tight to their faith and their Maker. Kate's mom, Holly noted that their humanness is aching to depths they never knew it could reach but their faith is untouched.

What a powerful statement and what a powerful message. I am blessed. My everyday struggles are just that, everyday struggles. There are people like Kate, who are spreading God's word amidst illness, fear and the unknown. I'm so thankful I came across that tweet. I felt God for the first time today in a very long time. My heart is so heavy that I can feel it pounding in my stomach. I cannot stop praying for this little girl; actually I just can't stop praying in general. My sister is right, the power of prayer is larger than any tumor, any bad day, and any anxious thought.

I am so thankful for days like today when I can feel God and slowly reel myself back to him. I wish I had all the answers and knew how to handle my day to day obstacles but that's the beauty of my journey. Please keep Kate in your prayers-- there are SO many out there who are struggling with pressing issues that are far worse than ours.

Here's to a good nights sleep and a better tomorrow.

xO. Abby

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Today's been an odd one. Dajuan nor I made it into work, Mother Nature had other plans. I was sure it was going to be a full day of relaxation. Pajamas, hot chocolate and working remotely on my laptop... none of which really happened. Braylon was wired. Everything is either MOMMA or NO these days! The first 20 times it's cute after several hours and him not letting up my nerves began to thin.

I've always struggled with the guilt of not being a stay at home mom-- or even a work from home mom. Today cemented the fact that working from home with a toddler is an impossible feat. Luckily, the calls I made today found his "MOMMA" repetition quite cute.

So, here I sit, 9 pm finishing up what I was hoping to complete early afternoon. In all honesty, a day with Braylon trumps work anyways. When I look at him I see so much life and innocence. He has no idea how big and cruel this world is; truth be told, I never want him too. Life is full of disappointments and struggles, bullies and trials; as a mother I cringe when I think that one day he will face each and every one of those. Soon he'll be two and the days of him loving on me in public will fade but right now, today, in this moment, I am fully aware of how blessed I am. I love looking at Braylon's little smile and reminding myself no matter how upset or discouraged I feel, I have a healthy little boy living in a perfect little world depending on ME to keep his world that way. After all, I'm MOMMA ya know.

These past few days I've got lost in the fact that it's the simple things in life, like Braylon that fulfill me... not a stupid position at work, money, taking a trip or a new outfit. So many times during the week I find myself saying this is God's plan not mine; yet, I time and time again attempt at making it mine. I'm well aware of my capabilities, my goals and most importantly my Creator. I'm so thankful for Him giving me Braylon who will always be my reminder that God's time isn't mine. So yes, today was odd but in a good way. I needed today. I needed a day to bring me back to the things that make life simple and fun.

Happy Snowday, xO.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Humbly Silenced

Hi All! Wow, I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since posting last, shame on me!

Lately, my mind has been bursting with topics and issues to write on but my heart and my fingers couldn't do it. Do you ever just get into a funk where you have so much to share but mask it behind a poker face? (Raises hand)

I've felt anxious again lately and have spent several hours praying about it... usually at night when my heart is racing and my mind is running in circles. This world is truly a crazy place; 2011 has proved that again.

My dad has been staying with Dajuan and I the past month and it's just been such a God thing. I've found so much healing in this time with him. I find myself dreading the day he leaves to head back to TN. Funny story, he was scheduled to leave at least two weeks ago but his timing hasn't exactly matched God's, every time he thinks it's time to go, something comes up and he can't (YES). Everyday we learn more about each other, I peel another layer back and most importantly I feel nurtured as any daughter yearns to feel. We have spent hours talking, playing cards, listening and giving advice but mostly just laughing.

We were sitting around flicking through channels Saturday morning when we came across the breaking news about the tragedies in AZ. My heart hurt immediately... politics aside. As most of you know I don't shy away from a good debate or heated conversation but in light of what has happened to these innocent human beings, I never once thought to blame political rhetoric. I do not want to play the blame game, nor will I. I want to focus on the families grieving, and heroic men and women who played a huge role is saving lives.

I am disgusted at those who within 15 minutes of hearing of this lunatics shooting spree automatically put blame on anyone but the shooter. The truth is, guns don't kill, people do. This deranged young man needs to be held responsible and him alone! Yes, our country may be divided by opinions and at the polls but that in no way should be to blame for violence. Let me make it clear, I am not a huge fan of Sarah Palin but I in NO WAY believe she had anything to do with this. It saddens me.

I've read every article I can find on Saturday's tragedy as well as watched endless videos and clips from shows. I've become consumed with this... I can't figure out why? I do know that it has nothing to do with politics. I truly believe that my heart wants to learn more and more to try to understand why this world/country is the way it is. We live in such a cruel, demanding, entitled society. All I can do is pray for those families, victims, the shooter's family, and our entire country.

One may argue we need logic right now, I argue we need Jesus.

xO. Abby