Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Power of Prayer

Have you ever just felt anxious? My sister has battled with anxiety her entire life; me on the other hand, I could never relate... until recently. As I've gotten older and seen the world for what it really is I've felt my heart race and chest tighten on several occasions. Mostly, I can control my anxious thoughts and relax after a few deep breaths but recently, my control over anxiety has slipped away. I've found myself gasping for air through the work day, at home, while typing, showering, praying, rocking and sometimes I even wake up and have to calm myself down. It is so easy to get wrapped up in our everyday lives and problems that we can truly engulf ourselves in them. I know I've wrote about stuggling with my faith before but I just can't get it figured out. I am so blessed. I know that I'm blessed but why can't I feel like it?

I've just been in another world. I feel like I could be triggered at any given moment. There are so many factors that are playing on my emotions and moods. Braylon being sick has worn me down beyond belief. The thought of the doctor's office makes me scowl. I've become distant with Dajuan, more than usual. At work I have a hard time smiling because I feel overwhelmed and defeated. When these three combine it's a recipe for disaster.

As much as I've been digging to find peace and happiness and my purpose I feel my wheels just spinning. I just don't feel happy. What a terrible feeling. It's hard to even admit. Too often we get caught up in our lives, our problems, our kids, our relationships that we miss the 'big' picture. I know that I am. I am well aware there is a problem, I wish I could say I've figured it out... but I just haven't. It's devastating.

I've come to the conclusion the frustrating part is the unknown. The mystery of faith is a real, well, mystery. I am the type of person that wants facts; I need reassurance. While on Twitter today I came across a tweet from my sister talking about the power of prayer. I immediately felt sick and anxious. Why though? Emily, has been following a blog from a couple in AZ whose daughter has brain cancer. This couple has chosen to walk out their journey with their daughter's illness in the public... naturally, I began to read the blog, and there I sat eyes soaking wet, weeping for these strangers. Their blog is unbelievable, it's bone-chilling. Their absolutely gorgeous five-year-old, Kate, is in the fight of her life and with the power of prayer this family is trusting that God can heal Kate. The news continues to grow weary for this beautiful, God loving family yet they cling tight to their faith and their Maker. Kate's mom, Holly noted that their humanness is aching to depths they never knew it could reach but their faith is untouched.

What a powerful statement and what a powerful message. I am blessed. My everyday struggles are just that, everyday struggles. There are people like Kate, who are spreading God's word amidst illness, fear and the unknown. I'm so thankful I came across that tweet. I felt God for the first time today in a very long time. My heart is so heavy that I can feel it pounding in my stomach. I cannot stop praying for this little girl; actually I just can't stop praying in general. My sister is right, the power of prayer is larger than any tumor, any bad day, and any anxious thought.

I am so thankful for days like today when I can feel God and slowly reel myself back to him. I wish I had all the answers and knew how to handle my day to day obstacles but that's the beauty of my journey. Please keep Kate in your prayers-- there are SO many out there who are struggling with pressing issues that are far worse than ours.

Here's to a good nights sleep and a better tomorrow.

xO. Abby

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Today's been an odd one. Dajuan nor I made it into work, Mother Nature had other plans. I was sure it was going to be a full day of relaxation. Pajamas, hot chocolate and working remotely on my laptop... none of which really happened. Braylon was wired. Everything is either MOMMA or NO these days! The first 20 times it's cute after several hours and him not letting up my nerves began to thin.

I've always struggled with the guilt of not being a stay at home mom-- or even a work from home mom. Today cemented the fact that working from home with a toddler is an impossible feat. Luckily, the calls I made today found his "MOMMA" repetition quite cute.

So, here I sit, 9 pm finishing up what I was hoping to complete early afternoon. In all honesty, a day with Braylon trumps work anyways. When I look at him I see so much life and innocence. He has no idea how big and cruel this world is; truth be told, I never want him too. Life is full of disappointments and struggles, bullies and trials; as a mother I cringe when I think that one day he will face each and every one of those. Soon he'll be two and the days of him loving on me in public will fade but right now, today, in this moment, I am fully aware of how blessed I am. I love looking at Braylon's little smile and reminding myself no matter how upset or discouraged I feel, I have a healthy little boy living in a perfect little world depending on ME to keep his world that way. After all, I'm MOMMA ya know.

These past few days I've got lost in the fact that it's the simple things in life, like Braylon that fulfill me... not a stupid position at work, money, taking a trip or a new outfit. So many times during the week I find myself saying this is God's plan not mine; yet, I time and time again attempt at making it mine. I'm well aware of my capabilities, my goals and most importantly my Creator. I'm so thankful for Him giving me Braylon who will always be my reminder that God's time isn't mine. So yes, today was odd but in a good way. I needed today. I needed a day to bring me back to the things that make life simple and fun.

Happy Snowday, xO.