Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Beautiful Things

My life has been full of many changes. We've sold, moved in a rental and then purchased another house all within a few months of each other. We are in new waters. We are navigating through the unknown. I'd like to say I've been fearless but that's hardly been the case.

All of these changes ignited a fear in me I didn't know could exist. I was convinced it wasn't anxiety. It wasn't doubt. It wasn't my body reacting to change. I was convinced I had something physically wrong with me. How can I be so tired? How can I feel so nervous? So anxious? So dizzy? ...and  still be told I'm so healthy? 

The said changes were the last piece of the puzzle that my body needed to break down. My body began to rid itself of me and become new, a new me

Long before our move, after I delivered Christian, I began to have little episodes of fear. I would start sweating, breathing heavy... but had no idea why? After several months of little episodes in combination with our move across state, big episodes began to emerge. I mean, big. I didn't know what was happening or how I was ever going to live to see the end of it. I began to weep, to pray, to cling to anything I knew to be stable. The stability was evident: my faith.

Isn't it crazy how God will take all of you and mold you into something new? I was (am) broken. My faith began to weaken. I couldn't figure out how my God could allow me to go through something so terrifying. What did I do to deserve this? 

Isn't that what we always do? We try to find the source of our pain, the reason for our doubts, sickness and troubles? Maybe, just maybe, we aren't supposed to know why something happens. Instead, maybe we just let it happen and see where it takes us. 

After several months of fighting the "what ifs", with the direction of my family and counselor I followed this route. I'm on the path of a new me. 

I'm back in toddler stage. I'm clingy to Jesus. I rarely make a move without his direction first. This took a lot of pruning. I've rid myself of myself. I've grown in my new skin. While I still have a long way to go, I now understand that my pain was/is a huge gain. 

Friends, today I encourage you. Don't lose faith. If you are struggling with anything... weight gain, anxiety, sickness, loss (you fill in the blank), try to embrace it. As my counselor would say, "ride the wave." Life is full of uncertainty, what is certain is that we only have now. Be the best you, even if that means you have to learn to breathe through the pain. 

This song has helped me through dark times. Listen :)  Beautiful Things - Gungor


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