Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dazed & Confused

Hi World! It's Wednesday, which means it's not Friday.. so technically, I'm not happy. Work is so slow and boring. I want more. I need more. I'm craving a challenge, more money, and feeling worthwhile. I'm sure many of you have taken jobs because they are avilable but realize you have settled. I know my hand is in the air, I'm one of you. At this time in my life, I know that working is a priority, so that justifies my reason for being unhappy with what I'm doing, right?

I've been wrestling with the idea of being a stay-at-home mom again until I find the right job for me? It's something I ponder into often. I hate the fact that Braylon is learning his colors from a daycare teacher, while I sit at this desk all day. Dajuan and I have discussed me staying at home again but just aren't comfortable with the idea. It is a secure paycheck and right now, we need stability; however, does money justify happiness? In today's world money is everything, right? I feel so torn and angered about it all. God will always provide; my happiness means more to me...I think. Why did I even go to college? Why put in the late nights and long hours if I can't relish in an end result?

Yes, I'm only 24, but I have responsibilities, dreams, goals and a son depending on me. I want more. God knows my desires and my needs. He knows my faults and what my weaknesses are. I keep telling myself that he has me here for a reason. It always comes back to the same verse: You may not know now what I am doing, but later you will understand. I want God to listen! Why won't he bless me with a clear answer? These struggles are constant battles that I have within... Aren't you constantly struggling with a battle that you feel you can't win?

In my case, there is one thing that is clear... I want to feel like I have a purpose, what that purpose is, I still don't know. Maybe it is to be a stay-at-home mom...pray for me would you? I've said it before, but I'll say it again... I have been digging deep with God in the past few months; I want to feel his presence. I want him to know I'm here on this stranded island ready to be rescued! Life is too short, to be anything but happy. I'm hoping to have a conclusion to my questions soon, I just don't want to make any rash decisions and hate myself for it in the end.

On a more upbeat note, I've taken the role of Birch Run's 8th Grade Girl's volleyball Coach for Fall 2010. Our practices started last week... wow am I in for a busy couple of months! So far so good; I have 27 girls, two teams and lots of attitude! I like it though; it's been good for me. I enjoy helping them, and giving them self-confidence. It's fun to watch them learn and try to understand the game. I'm hoping for an exciting season! I'll post lots of pictures as the season unfolds.

Here's to hoping that the last few weeks of summer are grand! Cheers!

Abby Marie

1 comment:

  1. NICE post. It reminds me that being a mom is a lot different than being a dad. Being torn between cross purposes. Inner conflict. There it is. Conflict is the staple of every good story. Got to have it. I always felt like I was doing something important the whole time I was in the military, all 27 years. In fact, when I thought about it, I would feel sorry for my nonmilitary fellow citizens wondering how horrible it must be NOT being in uniform where everyday provides the blessing of service to something greater than self. Perhaps that is what you are searching for. Reading your words, I'm proud to be your uncle.